This has been the roughest month of my life. I don't even know how to put into words how horrific this whole ordeal has been. When I found out that I was going to be a mom I was overwhelmed. Feelings of inadequacy have always plagued me since Alex was born 13 years ago. The desire to protect my children from the evilness of this world has been my number one priority. Not letting them stray too far. Not leaving them with strangers. Being wary of new people in their lives. I watch the news. I see the tragedies and know the dangers. It is my job to keep them from harm. So for this to happen to us, to my child, I can't help but feel like I failed.
I know that in reality it is not my fault. It is the standard thing to say in situations like this. It is also "standard" to feel guilty, like it could have been prevented. If I feel this way and it did not happen to me directly, how much more blame does she feel is her's? It breaks my heart.
The outcome of this whole thing has taken a huge emotional toll on our family. This level of violation of our trust is like a cannonball fired at point blank range. How do you come back from that? Seeing him in the courtroom was excruciatingly difficult. It broke my heart to hear the judge say "NO CONTACT...no contact with her, your son, your daughter in law and ANY of their minor children". Does he realize the loss and hurt he has created? It also angered me to see him, in a way I have never been angry before. I didn't even want to look at him, I was that disgusted. He violated everything I thought was good and right. He hurt my child. Nothing can ever make me forget that.
How does one learn to forgive? I know the Bible. I know the Scriptures that are designated for forgiveness. And up until now I never really had to work so hard at them. To be honest I have never been stretched this far in my life. I thought I have had trials but honestly they seem petty in comparison. Who cares if I don't get an A? Who cares if someone does not like me? This is nothing I have ever had to face before. How? How do you forgive someone like that? For now I don't know if I can. I will. I just don't know how right now.
The process has just begun. There will be more court dates and more issues to deal with before this is all over. I just pray I am strong enough to make it through.....funny thing is....Alex is stronger than all of us. She will overcome.I hope I do too!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Moving Forward
Disappointment. That is the word of the day for me today. I know that when it comes down to brass tacks that how many A's you have in school is not too important in obtaining employment. I don't have to be perfect in school to be a great teacher. With that being said I still work hard and expect to give my best work and in turn be rewarded for that effort....with A's. Lately I have not been able to get an A to save my life and I can't handle it with grace like I know I should. In fact I got a B on my Lit paper today, and I cried. Not a few tears but full on monsoon type of cry. I know I have a problem with procrastination, and I need to get a handle on that because the effort it takes to stay on top of things is more managable than disappointment. I sincerly felt like giving up today. I knew it was going to be hard taking two 3 year classes in one semester with only one year under my belt, I didn't realize how hard. So disappointed with myself lately.
I am trying hard to remember:
:Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6
I am trying hard to remember:
:Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6
Life is good!
Procrastination. That is the word of the day. I hate that word yet I am the word's poster child. I don't know why I can't get it together most times. Putting things off to the last minute has been the theme of my life as of late. This has caused such a pile of stress with me and honestly, it is my own fault. I used to, before kids, be incredibly organized and on top of things. Now, when my life is full of tasks, I have lost all motivation to compartmentalize my life. Maybe I could hire a life coach to come in set my craziness on task. I have to do something. School for me is a lot of work and I need to stay on top of it.
I love two of the classes I am taking...and pretty much am annoyed with one of them. Language Arts and Development with young children and American Lit are my favorite classes. I love literature and learning how little ones develop language and become emergent readers is exciting. The American Lit class is fun. I love getting into discussions and I love learning new information from events that happened in the past. I have always loved to read biographies on authors and what motivations drove them and inspired them to write what they did. I loathe group projects though. They are stressful, especially when most people annoy me. Science, while I don't hate this class, is irritating. It is alot of busy work and I loathe busy work!
While we are talking about school, why is it so difficult for kids to just do the work? Seriously, Alex went from having all A's last year to failing three of her classes. I know the transition from charter school to a public school was a big shock for her. The teachers at Reeths Puffer are different than the educators I am used to. If you have a child in your class whom is failing, it would be logical to think that the teacher would be concerned and want to do everything they can to help that child...but not her teachers. I have to ride them just to communicate with me once in a blue moon. Even my college professors are more helpful. We are seriously considering not re-enrolling her at Reeths Puffer next year and putting her into Waypoint Academy which is the middle school/high charter school. Arghhhh......kids! Making decisions like what they are going to wear, what to feed them, what time they go to bed, or when they need a bath....those decisions are easy and straight forward. I am finding that the older they get, the more difficult the decisions are. It is frustrating!
So this blog started out about procrastination and guess what? I am procrastinating right now. Sigh. I am going to have to log and get cracking on my science presentation! Later peoples!
I love two of the classes I am taking...and pretty much am annoyed with one of them. Language Arts and Development with young children and American Lit are my favorite classes. I love literature and learning how little ones develop language and become emergent readers is exciting. The American Lit class is fun. I love getting into discussions and I love learning new information from events that happened in the past. I have always loved to read biographies on authors and what motivations drove them and inspired them to write what they did. I loathe group projects though. They are stressful, especially when most people annoy me. Science, while I don't hate this class, is irritating. It is alot of busy work and I loathe busy work!
While we are talking about school, why is it so difficult for kids to just do the work? Seriously, Alex went from having all A's last year to failing three of her classes. I know the transition from charter school to a public school was a big shock for her. The teachers at Reeths Puffer are different than the educators I am used to. If you have a child in your class whom is failing, it would be logical to think that the teacher would be concerned and want to do everything they can to help that child...but not her teachers. I have to ride them just to communicate with me once in a blue moon. Even my college professors are more helpful. We are seriously considering not re-enrolling her at Reeths Puffer next year and putting her into Waypoint Academy which is the middle school/high charter school. Arghhhh......kids! Making decisions like what they are going to wear, what to feed them, what time they go to bed, or when they need a bath....those decisions are easy and straight forward. I am finding that the older they get, the more difficult the decisions are. It is frustrating!
So this blog started out about procrastination and guess what? I am procrastinating right now. Sigh. I am going to have to log and get cracking on my science presentation! Later peoples!
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