Ready to heal.

This has been the roughest month of my life. I don't even know how to put into words how horrific this whole ordeal has been. When I found out that I was going to be a mom I was overwhelmed. Feelings of inadequacy have always plagued me since Alex was born 13 years ago. The desire to protect my children from the evilness of this world has been my number one priority. Not letting them stray too far. Not leaving them with strangers. Being wary of new people in their lives. I watch the news. I see the tragedies and know the dangers. It is my job to keep them from harm. So for this to happen to us, to my child, I can't help but feel like I failed.

I know that in reality it is not my fault. It is the standard thing to say in situations like this. It is also "standard" to feel guilty, like it could have been prevented. If I feel this way and it did not happen to me directly, how much more blame does she feel is her's? It breaks my heart.

The outcome of this whole thing has taken a huge emotional toll on our family. This level of violation of our trust is like a cannonball fired at point blank range. How do you come back from that? Seeing him in the courtroom was excruciatingly difficult. It broke my heart to hear the judge say "NO CONTACT...no contact with her, your son, your daughter in law and ANY of their minor children". Does he realize the loss and hurt he has created? It also angered me to see him, in a way I have never been angry before. I didn't even want to look at him, I was that disgusted. He violated everything I thought was good and right. He hurt my child. Nothing can ever make me forget that.

How does one learn to forgive? I know the Bible. I know the Scriptures that are designated for forgiveness. And up until now I never really had to work so hard at them. To be honest I have never been stretched this far in my life. I thought I have had trials but honestly they seem petty in comparison. Who cares if I don't get an A? Who cares if someone does not like me? This is nothing I have ever had to face before. How? How do you forgive someone like that? For now I don't know if I can. I will. I just don't know how right now.

The process has just begun. There will be more court dates and more issues to deal with before this is all over. I just pray I am strong enough to make it through.....funny thing is....Alex is stronger than all of us. She will overcome.I hope I do too!