Ready to heal.

This has been the roughest month of my life. I don't even know how to put into words how horrific this whole ordeal has been. When I found out that I was going to be a mom I was overwhelmed. Feelings of inadequacy have always plagued me since Alex was born 13 years ago. The desire to protect my children from the evilness of this world has been my number one priority. Not letting them stray too far. Not leaving them with strangers. Being wary of new people in their lives. I watch the news. I see the tragedies and know the dangers. It is my job to keep them from harm. So for this to happen to us, to my child, I can't help but feel like I failed.

I know that in reality it is not my fault. It is the standard thing to say in situations like this. It is also "standard" to feel guilty, like it could have been prevented. If I feel this way and it did not happen to me directly, how much more blame does she feel is her's? It breaks my heart.

The outcome of this whole thing has taken a huge emotional toll on our family. This level of violation of our trust is like a cannonball fired at point blank range. How do you come back from that? Seeing him in the courtroom was excruciatingly difficult. It broke my heart to hear the judge say "NO CONTACT...no contact with her, your son, your daughter in law and ANY of their minor children". Does he realize the loss and hurt he has created? It also angered me to see him, in a way I have never been angry before. I didn't even want to look at him, I was that disgusted. He violated everything I thought was good and right. He hurt my child. Nothing can ever make me forget that.

How does one learn to forgive? I know the Bible. I know the Scriptures that are designated for forgiveness. And up until now I never really had to work so hard at them. To be honest I have never been stretched this far in my life. I thought I have had trials but honestly they seem petty in comparison. Who cares if I don't get an A? Who cares if someone does not like me? This is nothing I have ever had to face before. How? How do you forgive someone like that? For now I don't know if I can. I will. I just don't know how right now.

The process has just begun. There will be more court dates and more issues to deal with before this is all over. I just pray I am strong enough to make it through.....funny thing is....Alex is stronger than all of us. She will overcome.I hope I do too!

Moving Forward

Disappointment. That is the word of the day for me today. I know that when it comes down to brass tacks that how many A's you have in school is not too important in obtaining employment. I don't have to be perfect in school to be a great teacher. With that being said I still work hard and expect to give my best work and in turn be rewarded for that effort....with A's. Lately I have not been able to get an A to save my life and I can't handle it with grace like I know I should. In fact I got a B on my Lit paper today, and I cried. Not a few tears but full on monsoon type of cry. I know I have a problem with procrastination, and I need to get a handle on that because the effort it takes to stay on top of things is more managable than disappointment. I sincerly felt like giving up today. I knew it was going to be hard taking two 3 year classes in one semester with only one year under my belt, I didn't realize how hard. So disappointed with myself lately.

I am trying hard to remember:

:Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6

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Life is good!

Procrastination. That is the word of the day. I hate that word yet I am the word's poster child. I don't know why I can't get it together most times. Putting things off to the last minute has been the theme of my life as of late. This has caused such a pile of stress with me and honestly, it is my own fault. I used to, before kids, be incredibly organized and on top of things. Now, when my life is full of tasks, I have lost all motivation to compartmentalize my life. Maybe I could hire a life coach to come in set my craziness on task. I have to do something. School for me is a lot of work and I need to stay on top of it.

I love two of the classes I am taking...and pretty much am annoyed with one of them. Language Arts and Development with young children and American Lit are my favorite classes. I love literature and learning how little ones develop language and become emergent readers is exciting. The American Lit class is fun. I love getting into discussions and I love learning new information from events that happened in the past. I have always loved to read biographies on authors and what motivations drove them and inspired them to write what they did. I loathe group projects though. They are stressful, especially when most people annoy me. Science, while I don't hate this class, is irritating. It is alot of busy work and I loathe busy work!

While we are talking about school, why is it so difficult for kids to just do the work? Seriously, Alex went from having all A's last year to failing three of her classes. I know the transition from charter school to a public school was a big shock for her. The teachers at Reeths Puffer are different than the educators I am used to. If you have a child in your class whom is failing, it would be logical to think that the teacher would be concerned and want to do everything they can to help that child...but not her teachers. I have to ride them just to communicate with me once in a blue moon. Even my college professors are more helpful. We are seriously considering not re-enrolling her at Reeths Puffer next year and putting her into Waypoint Academy which is the middle school/high charter school. Arghhhh......kids! Making decisions like what they are going to wear, what to feed them, what time they go to bed, or when they need a bath....those decisions are easy and straight forward. I am finding that the older they get, the more difficult the decisions are. It is frustrating!

So this blog started out about procrastination and guess what? I am procrastinating right now. Sigh. I am going to have to log and get cracking on my science presentation! Later peoples!

A Little Bit Of Crazy

     And here we go. I would love to make this blog all about me and tell you everything that has been going on. However, I don't have the energy or the time really to write the novel that is my life at the moment. I will give a few flashes into my psyche but it might be too intense for you so I will be brief! I think I am going crazy. Not like psycho murder crazy or mommy dearest loony....more like your average typical lock myself in a room and not give a hoot about the outside world for days while rocking and pulling out my hair insane. I made an appointment with my doctor today to talk about how i feel....and went to the appointment. I left after not being seen for over an hour and then he called me THREE times. So I called back to "reschedule" and they told me the earliest they could see me is Monday. I told them....forget it. Got to love the medical field. Sigh. So I am going to try and relax tonight.....oh wait..I cant. Marc is gone until NINE and I have to hold it together for the five kids in the house who are currently fighting like crazy right now. :(

Boring

        I apologize for the delay in updating everyone in the inner workings of my exciting life. I have very few  new things happening to me so I dont want to bore you. I am starting a new diet and I am bound and determined that this one will be successful. In the past diets have worked for a time and then BAM right back to my old ways. This needs to work, I am tired of being tired and tired of looking four times the size I was before kids. It is ridiculous! So I will keep all you readers posted on my successes and even my failures! 


          Mid term for one of my classes today sent my poor nerves into a tizzy. I still feel queasy and it has been over with since 9am. All the classes I have taken up to this point while challenging have not seemed to create such a panic feeling in my belly. This class sure did! My teacher is awesome and it is a smaller class but there is alot of information to remember and my brain is not quite ready for it. I don't know what I got...but I will post it when I know!


           Well, I suppose I should go work on some homework. Sloppy Joes for dinner....YEA! Hasta La Vista Baby!
Oh check out the cute cop I saw...wooohoo!!

Autism

      Having a child with Aspergers Syndrome is really challenging sometimes. We can have many "good" days were the biggest issue we have is Isaiah sending too many emails out to friends and family or calling Grandma or Aunt Jamie over and over until they talk to him. Those days are tolerable. Then there are days that turn into horrific moments when there is nothing I can do to calm him down or distract him from his fits. Today was one of those days. 
       This morning started out early for us. Every so often Isaiah has a breakfast date with his friend Mrs. Robinson, a fifth grade teacher at Timberland. In order for him to have this date we need to leave the house 15-20 mins earlier than our normal schedule. Isaiah will not let us dilly dally on these days. OH MY GOODNESS! He was up, dressed and ready to go by 6:15. Since we didn't have to leave until 6:55, he had 40 mins to start stressing that we were going to be late. So he recalculated our schedule so he wouldn't miss breakfast and told me that we had to drop him off at school first. That was not going to happen, but once he put it in his mind there was no changing it. We left on time and because I had to get gas we had to take a different route to drop Alex off at school. OH MY GOODNESS. He had a complete and utter melt down. There was no getting him out of it. He literally threw a fit for thirty mins in the car. Once we got to school...he stopped. Because I made it there with three mins to spare everything that had tilted off his "axis" suddenly righted itself and he did a 180 and was fine. 
     I know that this is "normal" Aspergers and that all children in the Autism Spectrum have similar moments. That does not negate the fact that every time Isaiah has an "episode" of this magnitude that I don't walk away feeling emotionally drained. I understand that because he is high functioning there are parents out there with harder issues to deal with. I am not disputing that at all. I just feel overwhelmed with this responsibility of dealing with a child with special needs. I don't know sometimes if I can do it. WHEW! 
     Sorry for the rambling...I am tired and need to start working on my Study guide for my mid term. I am going to go take a shower....wash the morning out of my system...and start fresh...probably with a cup of coffee! 
     *HUGS*

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

~ Unknown

Overwhelmed

I know it might seem like I am whining and....well ok...I am whining...but what is the point in loading down a student with so much stinking homework. I mean I understand the need to teach a student in middle school and high school responsibility...but what about the full grown adult with already more responsibilities than they can  handle? I mean a little slack would be nice. I don't need my character developed or need to learn any life lessons. This is what I signed up for I realize....however it gets to be a bit much. Ok, rant is now over. I should probably go get started on my homework but I think I might read a book for fun or watch a tv show. Procrastination might be beneficial for my sanity this evening!